Hannah

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Oh Hannah….. do you remember when we would sit and wobble like drunken stools?

Beneath the moonlight and adjacent to the neighborhood pool,

We swam inside our own heads and took all of our thoughts captive,

Held them for ransom to those around us… they were our secrets and codes,

Each one of them as beautiful as a centerfold, but fully-clothed, they would never be exposed,

Oh Hannah… I remember it so clearly my mind takes photographs of it and it becomes thoughts that travel to my teeth,

Memories of our time together are the only thing of which I can speak.

 

Oh Hannah… do you remember when we saw time and space shake hands?

Underneath the bridge beneath the Chesapeake, we talked in cliches so tongue in cheek, then you reached your tongue into my cheek,

No more smoke screens between you and me,  the smoke we blew was our new home, it formed new windowed screens,

I felt so pure and free, you ripped off my clothes because it was the next logical thing,

Everything that had ever been had added up to this,

Teenage bliss…..

In our own invisible castle, it was my first time being a king,

And every night and with every kiss you would breathe into me my most important decrees.

 

Oh Hannah…  then you drifted away…..

Like the sun drifts into hibernation on the coldest of days,

You drifted into scenes instead of making moments with me,

And your life turned into a revolving door of computer screens,

I still went to that bridge every night and waited for you,

Thought of knocking on your door,

But I knew you would come back if that’s what you wanted to do,

Thought of knocking on your door,

But I knew a new world had become open to you.

 

Oh Hannah…. I remember when your Mother called me out of fear,

She said you were dressed in all black, speaking only in tact, losing sight of everything you used to hold dear,

I said you would come back to your senses or I would put your senses back in you,

Your Mom screamed: “I’m not sure if it is really seeing, Blair, if someone is seeing for you,”

So we decided almost simultaneously… that it was best to let you be,

I told her that you would figure it out,

Because you taught me how to figure out almost everything.

 

Oh Hannah… do you remember when I saw you on our first day of high school?

You were coddling yourself in chains, speaking in tongues, I couldn’t tell if you were drunk or deranged,

You dropped your books and binders and stumbled towards them like we used to stumble towards each other in the dark,

I realized then the light had been drained out of your light, you were a sun without color, a fire without a spark,

Then you said something to me about “The Black Parade,”

I tried to kiss you to stop your rambling,

But if I would have actually listened to  you…..

You would have been saved.

 

Oh Hannah… I will never forget the last call I read from you,

You read me something lyrical… said it was called “I’m Not Okay,”

Then said you had something to do in the bathroom,

I assumed it was just a phase and that it would end soon,

Then I woke up to your pale face on the ground in the morning….  a headline on the national news,

Bleeding from the wrist and neck tied in a noose,

They said you were part of an online suicide pact,

That the music from “The Black Parade” had paraded itself inside of you,

I fainted in shock and I woke up in the hospital bed three days later,

Then cried because I didn’t see you.

 

Oh Hannah… Are you looking down on me now?

All I have is regrets that sleep with my regrets and produce an offspring of me being depressed in all new ways,

All I have is flowers to splatter across your grave,

I remember reading your eulogy… stomping on it like a cigarette… and then screaming for God to drop you back in my arms,

But then I thought so clearly… She gave us one more thing that defined normal humanity,

Even in her death,

She gave us a “Black Parade,”

She lived out her dreams through dying.

 

I guess they called it something like a “scene,”

Now I’m 23, but I still think of those days when we were 14,

Memories stuck in my head like those lyrics that you read,

I’m still in love with you, Hannah….

So tonight….

 

I’m taking your grave down beneath the bridge with me,

I’ll tell you all my secrets like I did when we were 14,

I’ll listen to your voice and hymns in the whispering wind,

I’ll put on your favorite records and wait for your ghost to appear again,

I’ll fall asleep and wake up without anything but my mind,

I know that we are still the King and Queen of everything,

Your kingdom is just placed a little higher than mine….

 

And now anytime I see anyone stoned; feeling adjacent or alone,

I sit and tell them about how incredible you were and how you gave me a throne,

And they turn around almost instantly and smile,

My only regret is that I never said to you what I always say to them,

Because maybe you just needed to know how wonderful you were,

Maybe it’s tough to be royalty if you don’t know you have a Kingdom,

Maybe I could given you a ticker-tape parade so bright the sun would have to bring shades,

But now all I have is regrets,

And all you have is a grave.

 

I walk down the streets alone with the darkest of my shadows,

The black parade is now following me,

I’ve grown accustomed to this hole in my heart that could swallow all of humanity,

Because the only person that could fill it is you,

No one in this parade does anything for me.

 

 

Oh Hannah… from above do you ever think of me?

 

 

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