I have some thoughts on Valentine’s Day. I would like to share these with you, my friends and a select group of women that I probably added from Tinder. I would like to share my thoughts on Valentine’s Day because I think the idea of having a Valentine is dying. I believe that in 2050, we probably won’t even have a Valentine’s Day. I also believe that in 2050 we probably also will not have a Columbus Day or a Stamp Day because Columbus wasn’t the best individual in the history of our great nation to say the least and people will just buy everything from the internet or from their robot at that point. I do promise you that in 2050, I will send all of my friends on the internet a Columbus Day card through the mail on Columbus Day. It will be really cool. We can all open the Columbus Day cards we sent to each other while talking to each other on our landlines and listening to “The Bends” on a vinyl record player. The nostalgia! God, I love when we all make plans to be smug Hipsters in the future!
But seriously back to what I wanted to actually write about it… I think Valentines Day is dying and the concept of love as we know it is shifting… I really don’t think this shift is good or bad… it just is. Let me break down the change in the game of love this way. In your parents or grandparents generation it was pretty simple to have a Valentine. You found a male or female of your liking on the street and you said… “Hey! You appear to be a male/female! “I am!” “You look fairly decent!” “So do you!” “I mean in comparison to what I just saw in Auschwitz… You look slightly above decent!” “Thank you! You didn’t have to say that! Well…. I am really happy that Fascism was just defeated…. Would you like to get married and possibly procreate at a really annoyingly high rate?” “That sounds perfect. My name is…” “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!” That’s basically how I’m assuming every Baby Boom conversation that led to our population bombing ….I mean population growth in the mid to late 1940’s went. It was pretty simple to have a Valentine. You just found someone local, assumed that local person was the only person who existed on the planet, popped out a couple kids with this person, and then got really excited to laugh at Richard Nixon when he awkwardly sweated through your black and white television. All that existed in that post-war bubble was your bubble and a lot of other depressing things that were going on in the world that is for something other than a Valentine’s blog. But basically a generation or so ago we had a monoculture that allowed us to have Valentine’s pretty easily. It was the peak time for actually having someone…
But now things have changed a bit and monogamy will slowly slowly slowly decrease and more people will be single on Valentine’s Day… even though they may not be alone. Listen we are essentially innovating monogamy out of our culture with every passing year and every new catchy app. Folks can browse through hundreds upon hundreds of willing single and married people who would take them out and might be the “one” on various apps. There’s Tinder, J Date,Farmers Only, and Bill Cosby’s Victims Only. There’s websites where hundreds of government officials sign up to have affairs. I’m pretty sure George W. Bush was signed up on there because I saw an email addressed to I’llbeurWOMD;)@aol.com. Like everyone is on these dating websites that give you 200+ options per night regardless of your appearance and regardless of where restaurant you are currently at a sandwich artist at. So if you are in a fight with someone… HOLY COW WHY NOT TRY JOE THE PLUMBER? HE LIKES ME AND MAKES OVER 250K A YEAR! Monogamy is essentially like expecting you to try just one of the 31 flavors at Basket Cases or to just collect Purugly when there’s like more than 300 Pokemon now. Why would you settle down when there’s always a market for you?
This new world of chilled Netflix and dating apps made for the Farmer Fran’s of the world also makes being in a monogamous relationship that lasts extremely difficult if not impossible for most people. Like I said earlier…. if you get in a fight about who should or should not get a rose on “The Bachelor”… you can just find another man or woman who will be wonderful for two weeks until they give you plenty of reasons to complain to your friends. Fun fact: there’s 8 billion people in the world… and must of them are way too insecure and the rest of them are Donald Trump. This means that more than one person is probably willing to put up with you and buy you a meal from Chilli’s…. and now these people are at your fingertips! So it becomes easier than ever to bail. You will now treat relationships like Jury Duty…. you will do them if you HAVE to… but you’ll probably find an excuse to get out of it. To extend this analogy… you will probably not stay in your relationship unless it has something to do with O.J. Simpson. Well… that probably wasn’t my best example….
Let’s also keep in mind that with Al Gore’s invention of the internet and something called Globalization that Al Gore probably wouldn’t take credit for inventing so quickly, our bubble has gone through a massive Anthony Davis like growth spurt and is now going like all across the free world. Meaning we have all kinds of options available to us… meaning that we can choose people other than the peanut farmer from across the street. Since we don’t feel the need to settle for the person across the street and we naturally have the world at our fingertips it becomes easier to “chase” folks who might provide us more “financial comfort”. I guess it is easier to mine for gold when you suddenly have a gold mine in your backyard and at your fingertips. So all of the sudden what used to be people will turn into penny stocks. You will trade your stock in Miranda for your stock in Jennifer if Jennifer provides a better option for you to get through the year in your current situation. And these devices… your SnappyChats and your InstantGrahams will just make it easier for you to participate in this Human NASDAQ. This new technological world is not setup for monogamy. It is setup for hookups, the maximization of our insecurities, and for wedding bells to be replaced with notification bells. Replace Tenderness with TinderMISS, folks.
Why am I writing this? Why should you, average person who posts GIF’s about how the South doesn’t know how to deal with snow and how you love your Grandpa, care about my thoughts on the state of monogamy in 2016? Because I think it should make you appreciate what you have or want to have given our current technological and social climate. If you are fortunate to have someone who loves you unconditionally in 2016 or are still capable of loving unconditionally, you probably have accomplished something pretty great. If you are in a relationship filled with constant, loyal, and unconditional love, be thankful everyday that you have the opportunity to be part of something special that might be slowly dying or might be bought by Microsoft or something. Be thankful everyday that someone gave you half of their heart and is willing to put up with you even though you are still trying to argue that Ted Cruz is actually a decent human being. Monogamy is like the sinking Titanic and for some reason you get to avoid the Iceberg and still get to party for eternity. You have love in a market place that encourages everyone to be an insecure stock broker and hoarder of humans. You are one of the lucky ones. One day they will look at your fossil and claim you were part of a unique culture that didn’t treat other humans as swipes and actually valued them. So if you have someone that puts up with you and loves you unconditionally, I would encourage you to cherish them even more then you currently cherish them. It’s the logical thing to do…. You are very special if you have the constant attention of someone in 2016.
Which brings me to my next point… I have been spoiled enough to receive the attention of one person for about seven months now and I was fortunate enough to have a Valentine. I have someone in my life who I am confident would do anything for me besides let me eat the really cheesy bread from Dominos more than once a week and someone who will stay with me through thick and thin. I am spoiled enough to have someone in 2016 who loved me when I was in my darkest period and when I was at my peak period of doing my own special Cam Newton for three hours at the Prohibition club/dance floor place in Charlotte. I’m pretty sure she was the only person in the club who wanted to come home with me after that…. but damn if I didn’t want to come home with myself somehow. The point is my girlfriend, Annie Christina Jove IV, is one of those extraordinary human beings who is giving a middle finger and wagging an index finger at this love stock market and has decided to give me her constant love and support. And to add on to this, I’m not sure if anyone could do love and support better than Anne.
She supported me during the Super Bowl by claiming the game was fixed and constantly defends Cam Newton even when he names his kids Chosen. She went to Lexington, KY with me in the freezing cold and I’m pretty sure slapped the horse that played Seabiscuit with her Michael Kors bag when he tried to attack me. She sent me 13 jobs that she thought I would be great at today… just kind of for the hell of it and just because she is an angel sent to earth. She will actually make it through this entire post and her only response will be “#societalBlair“. She goes out to eat with me, she travels with me, and she makes fun of the Killian’s meowing with me. In 2006, when the world was just Myspace and my hope that “The Simpsons Movie” would live up to the hype, I dreamed that I would one day find a girl like Annie and that I would get to meet John Madden and ice fish with him. In 2016, despite every obstacle in the world saying this kind of love should be gone with the dinosaurs and hopefully all of the crappy movies about dinosaurs, I have a storybook romance. I have what they had in 1946, minus all of the racism and sexism and more of the binge watching of Friday Night Lights.
It’s really amazing to think about the time in history we live in. We are going to have a presidential election that will come down to that always rewarding choice of “Fascism vs. Socialism,” we have fast food companies that are competing to see who can kill animals faster so we they can pack more stuff into their value menus, and we live in a time where a man named Yeezus is the most popular person in our pop culture. But no matter the time in history, I think people always want to have someone who loves them unconditionally… even when they eat all of their hummus. They wanted that in 1492 when Columbus discovered what he thought was Narnia and they are going to want that in 2050 when having that is impossible and there’s no Columbus day. So basically throughout history people have wanted unconditional love… they’ve searched for it in books, bars, bureaucracies, and lyrics from the Beatles. What everyone has searched for and what everyone will search for even more desperately in the future, I, as of 2/15/2016, have and maybe some of you have as well. That means you are hashtag blessed and should be happy. I know I am.