Moonlight

What kind of girl will I be with tonight?

Beneath that moonlight….

I’ll still be howling your name!

What kind of human being will I be tonight…..

A blank slate or a calculated risk?

Oh I’ve never felt so sick.

 

My head and my heart are in separate bunkers, quarantined and diseased, preparing for war,

My head wants me to run away, but my heart says you love that girl, you should stay,

And all that is left is me, looking for a head to write and a heart for my sleeve,

Motionless and dissolving into the sidewalk, like a broken piece of chalk I used to carve are initials in the dark,

Blending in and falling like a piece of bark from an executed tree, my head is slowly returning to me,

And as it comes back, I’m left with a few bitter lines, useless tact,

But then my heart comes back as memories of you and me flood my mind,

The war is over and I want you to be mine.

 

What kind of girl will I be with tonight?

Beneath that moonlight….

I’ll still be howling your name!

What kind of human being will I be tonight…..

A blank slate or a calculated risk?

Oh I’ve never felt so sick.

 

So when fall comes and my heart burns like warm cider,

And all I want is to fall like a leaf into your arms until I expire,

And when winter comes and ice holds hostage my tongue,

All I would want to do is bathe in your beautiful eyes, like embers bathe in a fire,

And when spring spreads like a fever on the earth again, making us sick yet giving us life,

All I want to do is lay inside of you and spread like a disease throughout you all night,

And when summer comes and melts the moon in half,

I’ll admit that all I ever wanted was to love you to the moon and back.

 

What kind of girl will I be with tonight?

Beneath that moonlight….

I’ll still be howling your name!

What kind of human being will I be tonight…..

A blank slate or a calculated risk?

Oh I’ve never felt so sick.

 

And I remember when I told you oh so clearly,

There’s no place I’d rather be then the places you were with me,

I would go to the moon and back, even if I had jet lag, even if the moon was covered in thumbtacks,

I would crawl into the wirings of your mind get electrocuted like a fenced dog until you knew you were mine,

I would change forms and be a yelping dog if I got to sit inside of your perfect arms,

I would pound the earth for an early worm, if I knew I could find an embrace of yours beneath that cold dirt that was warm,

But when I told you, baby,

You just said “that’s so cute!”…. but we all knew…

That there’s no place you would rather be then any place that was without me,

Places where you would let the blood from your head paralyze the movement of your feet,

Places where you would let the fear of your life make you hide your head beneath your sheets,

Places where you would exchange love and happiness for fear and grief,

So throw your arms out and make sure I’m so far away,

A restraining order from the angel I was in love with,

You punished me for giving you light with indifference,

With so much dark.

 

What kind of girl will I be with tonight?

Beneath that moonlight….

I’ll still be howling your name!

What kind of human being will I be tonight…..

A blank slate or a calculated risk?

Oh I’ve never felt so sick.

 

Burnt out like a film strip, sick of spending days worried and nights dreaming of your hips,

Sick like all of the sunny days, when the crops below so desperately needed the rain,

On acid like the crooked rain, I’ll take ten doses of your voice and try to insert it into my veins,

Because then at least you will be here, so far yet so near, a subconscious romance, no more fear,

I’m shaking yet standing tall, like a lighthouse in a hurricane, I’ll crash into your ocean below,

Break into a million pieces, but you’ll just search for my encouragement and my light,

Scream “Blair, why are you dying? I needed you tonight!”

 

What kind of girl will I be with tonight?

Beneath that moonlight….

I’ll still be howling your name!

What kind of human being will I be tonight…..

A blank slate or a calculated risk?

Oh I’ve never felt so sick.

 

You talk about those other men so gleefully,

The way they touched you, the way they set you free,

You talk about me like an obituary,

Every word an ode to your joyful self I left like a rabid animal on the side of the road,

Desolate and dying,

And I know I should have never admitted I felt for you, I know I should have let every feeling be misconstrued,

I know I should have never told you how much I loved you,

Because you wanted a man,

And that’s something I could never be,

I was too in love with you to ignore you,

There were too many infinities in your smiles, it was impossible not to adore you,

Your laughter shook skyscrapers, it was impossible not to want to tickle your side,

Your body was in itself a song, from your breast to your sweaty palms,

It was impossible not to want to sing to you,

Your eyes dripped toxic wet water,

I was drunk on you all the time

But that’s not how love actually works, that’s not in loves plan,

Love doesn’t require fucking affection,

It requires you to be an indifferent man,

And to act in scorn anytime she goes out with someone new,

To bring her down when she is singing the gospel into a refrain of the blues,

To constantly make her feel indebted to you,

To never show love and to only give the impression that someone isn’t enough,

Love requires you to never give a flying fuck,

And that painful indifference will somehow give you a lifetime of importance and significance,

The key to love isn’t to hold someone,

It is to keep your fucking distance.

 

What kind of girl will I be with tonight?

Beneath that moonlight….

I’ll still be howling your name!

What kind of human being will I be tonight…..

A blank slate or a calculated risk?

Oh I’ve never felt so sick.

 

And it makes me sick…. but god damnit if I’m not part of it,

When you were in trouble I stitched scarlet letters on you,

Blamed you and maimed you like they trained me to do,

When you were joyful I didn’t share, I just nodded and hummed selfishly,

I somehow thought your song wasn’t as beautiful if it wasn’t with me,

And when you talked like you were so free,

I tied you up and said “let’s not talk about that, baby!”

I’m a fraud you thought was a God,

Write false lines about your thighs,

I went to the moon and back for you, but then I lied about what I saw in the sky,

So how could you trust someone like me?

I’m the worst kind of person,

Someone who realizes they are wrong,

But acts on their own impulses selfishly,

And I hope you find someone who combines, the appropriate combination of distant and kind,

And then I will listen about your new love, how he is the opposite of me,

And I will pretend I’m happy,

But I’ll be crying myself to sleep,

Yeah I’ll pretend, I’m happy yet know I’m sad because I’m leaving,

Like an astronaut who wanted to see the moon but only got Mercury’s poisoning.

 

What kind of girl will I be with tonight?

Beneath that moonlight….

I’ll still be howling your name!

What kind of human being will I be tonight…..

A blank slate or a calculated risk?

Oh I’ve never felt so sick.

 

And I still search through the archives for the places where our trains of thoughts collided,

Coal and ash spread up in the air, scattering centuries of our poison cares,

And centuries of poisoned hierarchies and modes of thought, little tangled brain wires that caused holocausts,

They swam like a current in my lungs, I breathed them in the air,

Then blamed you for not having hierarchies,

When I was the one poisoning your everywhere,

So hold on to this song like it is a red letter Psalm,

I knew it all along,

I loved you,

But my train of thought has always been wrong,

Derailed at the sight of false light,

I was wrong, darling,

And you were right.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s