Secrets

Suffocated and stabbed by green grass and blue skies,

The present tearing me apart and skinning me alive,

As beautiful as it can be,

Only living through our memories,

Life is but a dream,

But I’m actually dying.

 

Still I remember it vividly,

When the blue skies used to bow down to you and me,

Clouds were paintings of our future memories,

You held me like a first born under the setting sun,

It was like I was actually living in a dream,

My life had become a beautiful hallucination.

 

I felt like I could tell you anything,

So I told you things I hadn’t even said out loud to myself,

And suddenly you knew I wasn’t who you thought I was; you put our love on the shelf,

Tried to change me desperately to be….

The people who rejected you when you were children,

The people who made sure your dreams were nothing but fiction,

The people who led to your most pitiful addictions,

The people who made you want to shed your skin,

Suffocated by your past so you suffocated me,

When I told you my secrets,

I knew you would never want to be with me.

 

So tell me…

If you could take it all back would you?

Or would you just tell me that it was my past that did those awful things to you?

Would you tell me all the screaming was just in my head?

Would you tell me that I needed more psychological help?

Would you tell me you just didn’t know if you want me?

I’m not a blue blood,

I just had blood that spilled for you,

But that was never good enough,

Because I wasn’t the type of person that made you hate you.

 

You always pictured me as a broken ship washed up ashore,

But you never saw me drowning in the sea,

So while you were crafting your model ship,

I was floating in the water,

Strangled by the coral reef,

All you saw is broken parts,

All I saw is the parts you were breaking.

 

So tell me….

If someone gave you the sun,

Would you still try to make them the moon?

If someone gave you the heavens,

Would you still try to turn it into dirt?

If someone gave you love,

Would you try to change it into something that never loved you?

Tell me I need the most help,

I’m not the one in love with those who made me hate myself.

 

Still suffocated by green grass and blue skies,

Thoughts of those nights lost between your thighs,

Thoughts of times our stars actually aligned,

How many people will you tell that I was fucked up to?

How many people will you say you tried to help me to?

Like you were some sort of humanitarian,

Like loving you actually made me scatterbrain……

 

Well was it too much to ask?

For someone to make me forget about my past?

And for someone to actually idealize me?

And for someone to believe in love as something other than a prototype or commodity?

For someone to know that love was love regardless of change?

For someone to claim that everything that was fact wasn’t the subject of my derange?

I guess it was….

When I told you my secrets,

I realized who I am is always dependent on what once was.

 

Can you ever escape your past?

Mazes in your mind covered in glass,

Can you ever escape your past?

Or does it just warp and change everything around you,

Suffocating skies and strangling grass,

I know I must leave our love in the past….

 

And I can’t change what changed in your mind when I revealed the truth to you,

Just like I could never change how much I fucking loved you,

Even when you would scream, curse, and swear,

I would follow you anywhere,

Even when you would leave, cheat, and stab me behind my back,

I still loved you to the moon and back,

But right now there’s just that grass and that sky,

But somewhere there’s a road ahead,

And down that road I will have to drive.

 

 

 

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