Anxiety/Depression

I can’t sleep,
Yet I’ve never been so tired,
I can’t feel,
Yet I’ve never felt so many things,
I can’t love,
Yet I’m in love with anything that isn’t me.

There’s no meaning to depression,
Drowning in waves of it yet wishing you could feel a wave,
Depression is clearly mean and cruel,
Yet clearly mysterious and vague,
Like a ghost it follows you,
Yet you’ve never felt so alone,
Depression is a bunch of contradictions,
A beautiful and elegant yet no worded poem.

All I want to do is make plans,
All plans want to do is make me fear,
Making plans ever again,
I would rather hide under the covers than fit in,
Yet all I want to do is fit in,
Friends and family are the missing puzzle piece,
I hide underneath my bed sheets,
Because I can’t face them,
Without running short of breath,
Because I can’t face them,
Without feeling like I should have left.

And why does everyone hate me?
My girlfriend, friends, and her family,
All I want is acceptance,
But it’s something I’ll never get,
Lay in my bed,
Puzzle piece in hand,
But it seems like they always lock the puzzle away from me.

I have all the tools to be happy,
But happiness only occurs when fear is relinquished,
And that’s a battle I don’t have the equipment to fight,
So I’ll sleep next to a burning night light,
And keep a watchful eye out for,
Anyone who might care enough to keep a watchful eye out for me.

This is my anxiety,
Knowing what I need,
Wanting it desperately,
But knowing what I want and need,
Will always come at a cost to me,
Of the same old fears and the same old trains of thought,
Like I’m running away from my own happiness,
And I’m just hoping I’ll get caught.

It’s been this way for as long as I can remember,
Sometimes that’s why I change what I choose to remember,
When I was a kid they told me I eventually snap out of it and people would accept me,
Now that I’m grown sometimes I think I’m better off hiding,
Amongst all my missing pieces,
I know they could fix me,
In all of the waves,
I’m drowning.
I’ve never felt so much,
Yet I feel nothing at all,
I’ve never felt so overwhelmed,
I would kill to feel anything at all,
I’ve never felt so lonely,
I have never felt so followed,
I’ve never felt so guilty,
I’ve never felt so discriminated against
I’ve never felt so much anger,
I’ve never felt like that anger is so insignificant.

This is my crippling depression
It’s like I’ve got no arms and legs,
Yet I’m always running away from my problems,
And I’m always pushing anyone who wants to help away,
This is my recurring anxieties,
Like a recurring dream,
But the kind of dream,
Where you dream of not having to have dreams.

And that’s about it,
So complex and contradictory,
Impossible to define,
Yet you feel it so clearly,
There’s no definition,
To your misery.

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